Sometimes I Think Life Can Be Like That

Okay...so I know that I "hate doctors"...and I know that I "don't take medicine", but I just may have abandoned my former ways due to a recent series of events.

It all started this summer when I decided that I had had just about enough of this not being able to breathe problem and actually went to an allergist. [I realize this might not sound like a big deal, but I can count on one hand (and not use all of my fingers) the amount of times I've been in an ER of doctor's office in the last 10 years. And they were all out of necessity. I DON'T like doctors!] I didn't want to go, but I was tired of not being able to run or enjoy the outdoors, so I finally bit the bullet and actually used the insurance I pay for!

The doctor, who it turns out is tons of fun and a runner by the way, sent me home with Nasonex and an inhaler. (Yeh, apparently I have asthma...who knew you couldn't cure yourself of such things.) Then a month later, when things were anything but better he sent me home with a trial pack of Singulair. That was three weeks ago...

After about a week on the medicine I realized that I could breathe! Like not just that my nose isn't stuffy and I'm not coughing as much...like I can actually breathe easier. Sometimes you don't realize that your normal isn't normal-does that make any sense?

I didn't realize that I had been working so hard just to actually breathe. It's like when I finally got really good contacts in college and could see the actual thread pattern in my jeans. I had no idea that breathing was supposed to come so easy. And I had no idea that I wasn't seeing what other people were seeing--like my ENTIRE LIFE! I had no idea I was lacking anything, until I had what I'd been missing.

You know, sometimes I think life can be like that. We get caught up in trying to do things on our own and we are just treading water. But then someone comes along (a friend, a family member, a colleague, God, etc.) and lends a helping hand. Suddenly, we realize how hard we were working and how much easier it could have been had we just humbled ourselves and accepted assistance earlier. And sometimes we think the way we see our current situation, our life, or the truth is the whole picture, until someone comes in with a bit of wisdom and all of a sudden it's like someone brought the picture into focus. And we never knew we weren't seeing what was there all along. Sometimes we don't know what we are lacking, until we have what we've been missing.

Does This Mean I'm Getting Old?

Have you ever noticed that kids never appreciate Dark Chocolate? Why is that?

For years, I never understood why anyone enjoyed anything but Milk Chocolate. And then one day I woke up and realized...Dark Chocolate is amazing! Strange. Klondike Dark Chocolate=YUM!

Does this mean I'm getting old?

I Own 47 Pairs of Shoes

...23 Skirts...26 Dresses...24 Pairs of Pants...and well, I think you get the point!

(Here's a picture of part of my closet in case you weren't

fully comprehending where I was going with this!)

I would love to tell you that it's because I've worn basically the same size for the last 10 years, or that most of them were bought on sale, some of them don't fit, or some other ridiculous excuse....but that's exactly what it would be...an EXCUSE! There is seriously no reason for any one person to own the ridiculous amount of clothing (or other crap!) that I do.

I've acknowledged this for years, and yet, I really do nothing about it. For 5 summers I packed up everything I needed into a few suitcases and headed off to Governor's School, and I often marveled at all of the left behind items, that I clearly didn't NEED. Every time I move, I complain about the amount of unnecessary "junk" I own (so I downsize...and then buy more stuff!). When I get letters from my Compassion kids and see the things they are thankful for and what they spend their birthday money on, I know how spoiled I am. I often think that if I were called to the mission field tomorrow, I would really take very little of my possessions. And yet, I've clearly never been compelled enough by any of these acknowledgements to actually do something to change my lifestyle.

In January, a friend of mine went on a 6 month shopping fast from clothes and accessories. And while my first thought was "You're crazy!", my second thought was "Wow, I should really do that. I admire her commitment to such an intimidating goal!" So this summer when I read about this 1 year shopping fast, I decided that after years of inaction I'm gonna go for it.

I've told a few friends, and most of them have replied with some form of "You are insane! Why in the world would you do that!" I could give lots of reasons, (hungry children around the world, saving money, exercising self-control, personal challenge, etc.) but I think the more appropriate response is "Why not!?!"

I don't NEED anything! God has provided me with an amazing job, a beautiful home, an awesome church, a loving family, and wonderful friends. I am truly content. I don't need THINGS to make me happy.

And so, here begins my so-called "Shopping Fast"...One (school) year without shopping...No clothes....No accessories...No Books...No journals...No new makeup...No "other things I don't really need"!

Basically the plan is to refrain from spending money on "luxuries" from August 23, 2010 until June 10, 2011. (I know that is a weird date choice, but in my life, it only makes sense to follow a school calendar!) Since many have asked: Yes, I am allowed to buy gifts for others. (And I am making an exception for my matching outfit for the Princess Half 20-3 Reunion Extravaganza-no worries girls!) :)

I'm sure as this adventure gets underway, I'll have to make some determinations about what this challenge does and doesn't include. Truthfully, I think in our culture it's pretty hard to determine what is and isn't necessary. I'm sure we could have lengthy debates about the (un)necessary items in all Walmart shopping cars. But the point is not to get caught up into details, but to stick with the spirit behind the idea.

So here we go....Day 4 is almost complete...only 288 to go! :)

(And yes, I do realize for some of you this commitment would entail very little challenge...but let's not forget "I own 47 pairs of shoes"!)

My Cup Runneth Over

You know how they say your cup is either half empty or half full? Well my cup isn't half anything! It's overflowing. I am blessed beyond measure. I mean really...I don't know any other way to say it! I'm satisfied, I'm happy, I'm blessed. :)

"Joy is the feeling of grinning on the inside."

Dr. Melba Colgrove

What Are You Waiting For?

I have a new love....

SWIMMING!!!

(Trust me this post has a point beyond my new hobby...keep reading!)

I've never really been a swimmer. I mean I know how to swim-I think my mom taught me when I was young or something? And I'm pretty athletic and fearless, so I loved going out on the lake as a kid. So it's not like I can't swim. I even passed the lifeguarding test once when I was working as a summer camp counselor (in 2001). And then in 2004, I trained enough to swim 300 meters in a triathlon. Now I guess some people would argue that these 2 experiences would make me a swimmer. But I've never swam farther than 500 meters (for the lifeguard test) and I've always found it to be pretty difficult and never enjoyed it. In fact, because I don't enjoy it I haven't swam since the tri! We're talking 6 years!!!

But a friend of mine is a swimmer...and about a year and a half ago we made a deal that I would help her become a runner, if she would help me become a swimmer. Well, we started jogging together and she even did a few 5Ks with me, but we never got to the swimming part.

After procrastinating quite a bit we finally did my first "lesson" last week! She watched me swim and gave me a few pointers and I swam across the pool a few times. My goal for the day was to do a lap (there and back across the pool, 50 yards). When we first started I thought about adding "swim a mile" to my 30 before 30, but decided against it when she told me that I'd have to swim 36 laps (as in across the pool 72 times!)! I thought it would be absolutely impossible-so I scratched the idea!

Then we met to swim every day this week...

• On Monday, I made a goal to do 2 laps (100 yards) at one time. I did so once or twice and I ended up swimming 600 yards. I still didn't really enjoy it, but decided if I was going to try to make this an occasional hobby I should get some good goggles and a suit. So I made a little trip to Dick's.
• Then on Tuesday, I arrived ready to go with my new swim attire. And I decided that swimming was in some ways like running. It's mind over matter. I've always been able to push myself past what I think I can do in running, so why not swimming too. So I decided that I was just going to tell myself, "Yes, you might feel like you can't breathe, but you can, and you are not going to drown. Keep going." And something totally changed. All of a sudden I could breathe, and I could keep going. So my goal for the day was to swim 4 laps (200 yards) without stopping. I did it quite a few times! And I ended up swimming a total of 900 yards. (That's 1/2 a mile!)
• Then on Wednesday, I had newfound confidence! I did 6 laps (300 yards) without stopping! And then 8 laps (400 yards) without stopping! Altogether I swam 1200 yards! And I left feeling great!
• And today, I swam 12 laps (600) without stopping TWICE! Seriously, it was pure insanity in my mind. Remember, I had never swam more than 500 EVER in my life-and I only did that once when I was 19! Today's total: 1350 yards (That's 3/4 of a mile!)

I'm serious...I absolutely had no idea I could do it! And now, I totally know I can. So on the list or not, I'm totally planning to swim a mile (without stopping) before I turn 30. (Maybe even before I turn 29!)

Sometimes we totally underestimate ourselves and let our lack of confidence hold us back from what we can achieve.

No, swimming isn't a huge life goal of mine. And in 5 years this blog post will likely be the only memory of this "event" in my life. But I had to put it into words, because I don't want to forget. I'm glad I've found a new hobby to love, but what I'm more excited about is the lesson I've learned.

A week ago, I thought there was no way I could ever swim a mile! And today, I know a can! One week has changed my perspective THAT MUCH! I kept myself from becoming a swimmer all of my life because (until 2 days ago) I didn't believe I could. I was the only one holding myself back.

And now I have to ask, "What else am I holding myself back from?" What has God given me a vision for, that I have simply dismissed as an unattainable far fetched dream? I am the only one holding myself back.

So, I have to ask, what is it you are holding yourself back from?

"What would you attempt to do, if you knew you could not fail?"

~Author Unknown

Don't Ever Let Anyone Steal Your Joy

Get Ready...It's a long one! Originally entitled "Is that so hard to understand?", this entry found a new direction since I first started writing it.

(Excerpt from Natasha Bedingfield's "Single")

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me

(Cos I'm happy where I am)

Don't depend on a guy to validate me

(No no)

I don't need to be anyone's baby

(Is that so hard to understand?)

No I don't need another half to make me whole

Okay, so I love this song. It's pretty much always been my mantra. Truthfully, I'm never very up on pop-culture, so I had actually never heard this song until my friend, Lindsay, mentioned that this song was the ringtone that played when I called her. (Thanks, Lindsay...I'm always happy to be your "only single friend"!)

So of course I had to listen to this song that apparently reminded her of me, and well...I loved it. In fact every time someone asks me "So, are you dating anyone?", I want to break into a rousing rendition of "Single". (Lucky for all of you, I refrain. 'Cause let's face it, I ain't no Natasha Bedingfield.)

In all seriousness, it really annoys me that other people have a hard time understanding that I could be single and happy. In fact, it bothers me so much that I posted the following diatribe on facebook after an encounter that was the last straw for me! ‎"But God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness." 1 Cor 7:7.  Is there a reason that some of my friends and family don't get this? I swear if you one more person tells me that you are "worried about me", suggests that I "need to join a running club", recommends that I "should take a welding class", admonishes me for being "too picky", explains that I "don't hang out in the right places", says that I "need to have an open mind", or tries the whole I "know a great guy who's also religious", I am going to scream. I am content to be single until God purposes something different for my life, so could you also be content in this and stop trying to "fix me".  (I mean really...Is that so hard to understand?)

Anyway, there is a point to this post other than the ability of a pop star to capture my thoughts in a song and the fact that I engage in the occasional ranting via Facebook instead of realizing that people are just trying to help. So let's get back to my point...If I can figure out what that is!

I started this post a few months ago, and then I sort of let myself forget about it, because I was kind of rambling and not really making a point. (Shocker!) But last night I was at a devo group and a girl said "My grandma used to always say..."Don't ever let anyone steal your joy."" And I realized that that was exactly what I had wanted to say in this entry...

I know you're thinking that's not what I was saying at all...And I have to agree...but I just wasn't there yet! So if you'll be patient with me, I'll try to explain.

When I moved to Florida I had so much to be joyful about: the completion of graduate school, a free house to live in, beautiful beaches, a job at one of the largest deaf schools in the nation, an opportunity to buy my own house, and above all a fresh start.

But it was a tough transition for me. I didn't know a single person in Florida! I lived in a neighborhood where I clearly did not fit in. I was working at a great school, but in a position that wasn't fulfilling. I was having trouble finding a church. All of my friends and family were far away. I felt alone. Then I looked at my sister, who was having a baby, and while I was extremely excited for her part of me was sad for me. It may sound selfish, but I'm just being honest here. We're TWINS. We are supposed to do everything together. And I knew that our kids wouldn't be able to grow up together. It's not like this was a shock. She had been married for almost 5 years for crying out loud! And it's not like I wanted to get married and immediately have kids. But the truth is that I want to be a mom more than anything in this world. And it suddenly hurt to know that my grandma was around to see my sister have kids, and I may not have that same opportunity. And "everyone" (yes, this is an exaggeration, but it is how I felt and also close to accurate given my Southern roots..) kept asking me if I was going to settle down and get married and have kids now that I was done with school. 

What I realized last night is that the reason I now get so annoyed with others remarks is not because they expected certain things of me or because of their lack of understanding. It's because I know I let them steal my joy.

I started to believe the messages I was hearing. That I am a lesser person because I am single. (I'm not.)  That I needed to have a husband or children to complete me. (I don't.)  That I need to change who I am. (I can't) Or that I need to change what I'm looking for. (I won't.)

Probably the strangest thing, is that I've ALWAYS been the girl singing that song ("I'm single...that's how I wanna be"). But suddenly I became someone else, that I didn't even know. I let my circumstances and loneliness, make me change my perspective. I thought I needed things to make me happy-a classroom position, a house...a man.  And so for a year I tried to find my happiness in those things...and (surprise, surprise) it didn't work.


I'm not trying to blame others-because I know that most of them were trying to be supportive in their own way. But sometimes, people (especially the church!) don't realize just how deeply their words can hurt you. Friends and family mean well, but sometimes the very things they say to encourage you leave scars on your heart that you don't even notice are there.

And then one day you wake up and you realize that your joy is gone. You realize that you've let the world tell you what you needed to be happy. You realize that you've let them change your perception. You realize that you've let them change what you're looking for.  You realize that you've let them change YOU.

Well, okay. Maybe it wasn't exactly one day in my case. Maybe It was more like a matter of months. But God has reminded me that He has a plan for me, and it's so much greater than I can imagine. It's not about a job, a house, a husband, or kids. Those things will not complete me. Only God can.

Christine Caine challenged a room full of single women during Shine at Celebration Church to trust that God has the best for us and to trust Him enough to wait longer than we want to. She encouraged us to make a covenant with God that we will not compromise.

I did, And I hope that you will, too.  Regardless of your circumstances.  Regardless of what you are believing for your life.  Whether you're single, dating, married, divorced, or widowed, starting now make a promise that you will not compromise or settle in any area of your life.  


God can do exceedingly, abundantly above all we could ever ask or hope.  But we have to trust him, and we have to believe than we are worth it.  You are worth it.  

"Don't ever let anyone steal your joy."

Better Than a Hallelujah

Sometimes I think I trick myself into thinking that I have to have it all together. That I have to praise God for the blessings in my life, because I know they outweigh the pains. I make myself think that joy means being happy and thankful in every circumstance. But we can trust and understand God's plan while still hurting. Our tears don't make us less holy; they make us real.

It's true that God wants our worship, but sometimes that includes our tears. We can't hide them from God, He already knows our heart. God just wants our HONESTY. THAT is worship. No games. No masks. No walls. No forced smiles. Just honest cries..."They're better than a hallelujah sometimes."

And now, the song I heard today on the radio that reminded me of this truth. (You didn't expect me to have a point without a song, did you?)