For the past (almost) 10 years, I have been working towards one central goal for my life. The details of that goal have changed a bit, but the ultimate dream has stayed the same. I wanted to teach deaf kids. By the time I determined that this was the vision I had for my life, I was already at Liberty University (because God knows better than I do). And because of a plethora of reasons, I determined that it was best to stay at LU and major in Special Education, with my ultimate goal being to obtain my masters in Deaf Education (and be teaching deaf kids in the fall of 2005, ha!).
As an undergraduate student I thought I wanted to work with preschoolers, though at the time I would have settled for younger elementary students. However, I had no desire to work with middle schoolers. In fact, when I got my first internship placement in a middle school-I cried. (Not that this is surprising if you knew me at the time, because I cried at most things during that overwhelming period of my life!) Turns out, I loved my placement at the middle school, and hated my subsequent placement at an (obnoxiously affluent) elementary school. (Yes, God, you know better than I do!)
By the time I graduated, I was so broke that moving to Pennsylvania for graduate school was not an option. So because God's plan was yet again better than my own, I found myself teaching in Virginia for 3 years. It wasn't the job I wanted. But it was a job and it paid the bills and helped me pay off my debt. After teaching 3rd-5th graders and then high school students and coaching some awesome cheerleaders, I finally returned to school to pursue my goal of becoming a deaf educator.
I headed to Tennessee where I got a job working with elementary school students at the school for the deaf (because He is the God who provides). I spent spent two years there pursuing my masters in Deaf Education. When it came time to complete an internship, I knew that I wanted to teach middle schoolers upon graduation, but because I wanted to be as prepared as possible to accept any job offers, I requested primary grades. (My internship was fun, but my mentor teacher kept telling me, "You are a great teacher, but you have to slow down with them." Haha.)
And finally I graduated! I was totally psyched to finally achieve my goal, but God again had another plan. Though I received offers for (7) teaching jobs (which is crazy considering the job market in deaf education right now, but He is bigger than the job market) in Florida, Virgina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Delaware, and Arizona, I took the 8th job offer. This job was in Florida, far from my family and friends, in fact, I didn't know a soul in Florida. This job wasn't even in the classroom. But because of an amazing opportunity to live in a house rent-free for a year, I knew I could continue to trust and wait on God for His perfect timing (I mean I was already 3 years behind my goal at this point...what's another year or two!?) .
And now, I am finally living my dream. In July of 2009, after paying off my grad school loans and buying a house, God finally blessed me with the phone call I had been waiting for all summer. I am now teaching deaf middle schoolers in Florida. His timing and details were different than my own, but He orchestrated it all and I am finally here. The vision that I have had for myself since my freshman year of college, a decade ago, is now a reality.
But this past week, I attended a women's conference at my church (insert shameless plug for SHINE!!!). And I realized something...I have lost vision. For years, I have made my prayer "Lord, I don't want to live a destination life." See often in my pursuit of my vision, I found it difficult to enjoy the journey, because I was so consumed by the destination. And so I often found myself praying that God would help me to not live what I called "a destination life." But today I found myself praying a very different prayer.
The thing is that for years I've been working towards this goal in my life. I've known what I wanted (and what God wanted) for my future. But now that my dream has been realized, I have lost my vision. I've gotten caught up in teaching, tutoring, interpreting, taking classes, and all of the things that consume my present. I mean sure, I talk about the future and what I want in life, but it mostly consists of statements like... "I want to be a mom", "I'd like to get married some day", "I'm considering getting my PhD, but not any time soon!", "I'll probably move closer to "home" one day, but not for at least 4 years!", "I want to be involved in ministry, but I don't know when or how". So yes, I do have thoughts and considerations for the future. But I don't really have a clear vision for my life. I don't know where I'm headed, or where I want to be headed.
I'm not saying that I'm not content to stay in Florida or in deaf education. Or that I need to write down a detailed to-do-list for the next 20 years of my life; I of all people know that God has a plan that's better than my own. I am saying that I want a vision. I want to be content in my present and enjoy what God has accomplished through me, but know that I have not yet arrived at my final destination. My journey is not over, just because I have passed one big milestone. I'm still just training for the marathon. And so I must have hope for my future. I want a reason to have to step out and trust God. I want to work towards something that is bigger and better than me, and that challenges me to step out in faith.
I don't know yet what that is. But I do know that I am going to start praying for God to reveal that to me. I am going to have faith that if I follow him and the vision he gives me for my life, He will bless me with more than I can imagine. I know He will, because He already has.
