Natalie Grant is without a doubt one of my favorite singers. She has a beautiful voice and writes many of her own songs, including this one. This song is like a page out of my journal (not that I have been writing in a journal lately...but I should be). I love how transparent she is in sharing her song (and struggles) with the world. It helps me know I'm not the "only one".
I've been really struggling this week and I came to this song once again. I have this tendency to be a perfectionist. Not that I am perfect, I just try to pretend that everything is wonderful and I have it all together. It's like when someone asks "How are you?" and we automatically say "I'm good, how are you?" But we aren't always good. Well, people keep asking me, "How's FL, How's your job?" And I keep saying, "It's good...I'm slowly settling in."
Well I guess this week I came to the realization that it's not good and I'm not settling in. I'm lonely in my big house. Most days, I don't like my job. I don't have friends or family in FL. I'm not really connecting with the church I've been going to. I just feel like I don't have a purpose in life right now. I got through the last 2 years by telling myself it would all be worth it when I was teaching again. And now, all I want to do is go back to my days teaching at Central Elementary in VA. But I have to stop spending my days living in the future or the past. I have to accept the present. And I know God has me in FL for a reason...I just don't know what that is yet.
I'm not spilling my guts for your sympathies. I've just decided that it's ok for it not to be great. I'm struggling right now, but God already knows. I have to be honest about that with myself (and my friends) or it won't change. Hiding behind a smile won't make it all magically better. But being truthful to myself and learning to rely on God and not my circumstances will help me start in the right direction.
So here it is: The Real Me.
5 comments:
Well, now I know some specifics to be praying for! Hang in there!
Transitions can be tricky. Inspirational words are fleeing me at the moment, but I'm thinking about you. :)
This is such a great, thoughtful post. I'm the same way -- I want to stay positive and I go along believing that in order to do that, I have to push down any reservations or feelings of frustration. And nearly every time I do this, I realize that there is a release and even a relief in admitting that I'm feeling challenged. I'm sure that you're doing great work -- your students are so lucky to have you. I hope that things get better. I'm pulling for you!
It's never easy to make a transition--especially when it's one that you feel you have to do alone. Still, for the past year I've heard you talk about how much you wanted to be there and now that you are, it's time to see what a difference you have and will make. I'm proud of you for going MANY states away and choosing a life that will be challenging for you emotionally in order to continue your passion in a way that helps people. I can arrange a visit down there to see you the second you ask and we will fill that house with hairbrush dancing. God never gives us more than we can handle--what is He asking you to get from this? Love you. I got you.
Awh, I'm sorry Jen. We can't wait to see you on Tuesday and chat. Give us a call when you're here eh? xoxo
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