Unexpected Memories

(If you want to understand this post, you might want to read this first.)

Sometimes I think it’s funny how memories work.

You are going about your normal habits, routines, and daily rituals…and suddenly, when you least expect it, something reminds you of a moment in your past.

I’m not really a date person. It’s not that I can’t remember, I could tell you the date I had my first eye surgery (January 16, 1991), the date I graduated from high school (June 16, 2000), the date I started my first teaching job (January 5, 2004), or any other mildly important date in my life. But the thing is dates aren’t really that important to me. I rarely even celebrate my birthday!

The anniversary of Joe’s death came and went without much consideration on my part. Sure I mentioned to Jes that it was a bit odd being at “home” and at a high school football game on that day, but it was a passing comment and didn’t occupy my thoughts much longer than the amount of time it took for the words to come out of my mouth.

But then, I saw my former youth pastor’s Facebook status. He mentioned that a group of youth from his church were going to Scaremare tonight. And the memories washed over me like a wave.

Thirteen years ago, I was on a crowded bus full of teenagers. Our youth group was traveling two hours west of our hometown to go to Scaremare (a haunted warehouse put on by Liberty University students). Most of the students were playing games, talking, and laughing and enjoying this weekend excursion…but I was doing homework. (Yep, I’ve always been a nerd.)

But then I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I turned around, a guy I’d never met before gestured to ask me for a piece of paper and a pencil. Of course I had extras, so I handed them on over and went back to my work without thinking much of it.

A few minutes later, I had stopped my homework to have a written conversation with this young man, who introduced himself as “Joe”.

At the time I had no idea how much that night would change my life.

I didn’t know that he would teach me to sign. I didn’t know that he would teach me about faith, passion, and joy. I didn’t know that he would become one of the most important people in my life. And I certainly didn’t know that he would leave my life as quickly and unexpectedly as when he had entered.

I didn’t know I would one day go to Liberty University. I didn’t know that I would give up the plans I had for my life to follow God’s. I didn’t know I’d be a deaf educator.

I didn’t know that Joe would change my life forever.

When I look back, I know that everything happens for a reason. And though I know we all miss him, I wouldn’t change a thing. In the short time that Joe was a part of my life, he impacted me in a way I can’t describe. He changed me for the better and I am forever grateful for the way he touched my life. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for him.

And I’m thankful for the memories that come when I least expect them.

Sometimes I Think Life Can Be Like That

Okay...so I know that I "hate doctors"...and I know that I "don't take medicine", but I just may have abandoned my former ways due to a recent series of events.

It all started this summer when I decided that I had had just about enough of this not being able to breathe problem and actually went to an allergist. [I realize this might not sound like a big deal, but I can count on one hand (and not use all of my fingers) the amount of times I've been in an ER of doctor's office in the last 10 years. And they were all out of necessity. I DON'T like doctors!] I didn't want to go, but I was tired of not being able to run or enjoy the outdoors, so I finally bit the bullet and actually used the insurance I pay for!

The doctor, who it turns out is tons of fun and a runner by the way, sent me home with Nasonex and an inhaler. (Yeh, apparently I have asthma...who knew you couldn't cure yourself of such things.) Then a month later, when things were anything but better he sent me home with a trial pack of Singulair. That was three weeks ago...

After about a week on the medicine I realized that I could breathe! Like not just that my nose isn't stuffy and I'm not coughing as much...like I can actually breathe easier. Sometimes you don't realize that your normal isn't normal-does that make any sense?

I didn't realize that I had been working so hard just to actually breathe. It's like when I finally got really good contacts in college and could see the actual thread pattern in my jeans. I had no idea that breathing was supposed to come so easy. And I had no idea that I wasn't seeing what other people were seeing--like my ENTIRE LIFE! I had no idea I was lacking anything, until I had what I'd been missing.

You know, sometimes I think life can be like that. We get caught up in trying to do things on our own and we are just treading water. But then someone comes along (a friend, a family member, a colleague, God, etc.) and lends a helping hand. Suddenly, we realize how hard we were working and how much easier it could have been had we just humbled ourselves and accepted assistance earlier. And sometimes we think the way we see our current situation, our life, or the truth is the whole picture, until someone comes in with a bit of wisdom and all of a sudden it's like someone brought the picture into focus. And we never knew we weren't seeing what was there all along. Sometimes we don't know what we are lacking, until we have what we've been missing.

Does This Mean I'm Getting Old?

Have you ever noticed that kids never appreciate Dark Chocolate? Why is that?

For years, I never understood why anyone enjoyed anything but Milk Chocolate. And then one day I woke up and realized...Dark Chocolate is amazing! Strange. Klondike Dark Chocolate=YUM!

Does this mean I'm getting old?

I Own 47 Pairs of Shoes

...23 Skirts...26 Dresses...24 Pairs of Pants...and well, I think you get the point!

(Here's a picture of part of my closet in case you weren't

fully comprehending where I was going with this!)

I would love to tell you that it's because I've worn basically the same size for the last 10 years, or that most of them were bought on sale, some of them don't fit, or some other ridiculous excuse....but that's exactly what it would be...an EXCUSE! There is seriously no reason for any one person to own the ridiculous amount of clothing (or other crap!) that I do.

I've acknowledged this for years, and yet, I really do nothing about it. For 5 summers I packed up everything I needed into a few suitcases and headed off to Governor's School, and I often marveled at all of the left behind items, that I clearly didn't NEED. Every time I move, I complain about the amount of unnecessary "junk" I own (so I downsize...and then buy more stuff!). When I get letters from my Compassion kids and see the things they are thankful for and what they spend their birthday money on, I know how spoiled I am. I often think that if I were called to the mission field tomorrow, I would really take very little of my possessions. And yet, I've clearly never been compelled enough by any of these acknowledgements to actually do something to change my lifestyle.

In January, a friend of mine went on a 6 month shopping fast from clothes and accessories. And while my first thought was "You're crazy!", my second thought was "Wow, I should really do that. I admire her commitment to such an intimidating goal!" So this summer when I read about this 1 year shopping fast, I decided that after years of inaction I'm gonna go for it.

I've told a few friends, and most of them have replied with some form of "You are insane! Why in the world would you do that!" I could give lots of reasons, (hungry children around the world, saving money, exercising self-control, personal challenge, etc.) but I think the more appropriate response is "Why not!?!"

I don't NEED anything! God has provided me with an amazing job, a beautiful home, an awesome church, a loving family, and wonderful friends. I am truly content. I don't need THINGS to make me happy.

And so, here begins my so-called "Shopping Fast"...One (school) year without shopping...No clothes....No accessories...No Books...No journals...No new makeup...No "other things I don't really need"!

Basically the plan is to refrain from spending money on "luxuries" from August 23, 2010 until June 10, 2011. (I know that is a weird date choice, but in my life, it only makes sense to follow a school calendar!) Since many have asked: Yes, I am allowed to buy gifts for others. (And I am making an exception for my matching outfit for the Princess Half 20-3 Reunion Extravaganza-no worries girls!) :)

I'm sure as this adventure gets underway, I'll have to make some determinations about what this challenge does and doesn't include. Truthfully, I think in our culture it's pretty hard to determine what is and isn't necessary. I'm sure we could have lengthy debates about the (un)necessary items in all Walmart shopping cars. But the point is not to get caught up into details, but to stick with the spirit behind the idea.

So here we go....Day 4 is almost complete...only 288 to go! :)

(And yes, I do realize for some of you this commitment would entail very little challenge...but let's not forget "I own 47 pairs of shoes"!)

My Cup Runneth Over

You know how they say your cup is either half empty or half full? Well my cup isn't half anything! It's overflowing. I am blessed beyond measure. I mean really...I don't know any other way to say it! I'm satisfied, I'm happy, I'm blessed. :)

"Joy is the feeling of grinning on the inside."

Dr. Melba Colgrove

What Are You Waiting For?

I have a new love....

SWIMMING!!!

(Trust me this post has a point beyond my new hobby...keep reading!)

I've never really been a swimmer. I mean I know how to swim-I think my mom taught me when I was young or something? And I'm pretty athletic and fearless, so I loved going out on the lake as a kid. So it's not like I can't swim. I even passed the lifeguarding test once when I was working as a summer camp counselor (in 2001). And then in 2004, I trained enough to swim 300 meters in a triathlon. Now I guess some people would argue that these 2 experiences would make me a swimmer. But I've never swam farther than 500 meters (for the lifeguard test) and I've always found it to be pretty difficult and never enjoyed it. In fact, because I don't enjoy it I haven't swam since the tri! We're talking 6 years!!!

But a friend of mine is a swimmer...and about a year and a half ago we made a deal that I would help her become a runner, if she would help me become a swimmer. Well, we started jogging together and she even did a few 5Ks with me, but we never got to the swimming part.

After procrastinating quite a bit we finally did my first "lesson" last week! She watched me swim and gave me a few pointers and I swam across the pool a few times. My goal for the day was to do a lap (there and back across the pool, 50 yards). When we first started I thought about adding "swim a mile" to my 30 before 30, but decided against it when she told me that I'd have to swim 36 laps (as in across the pool 72 times!)! I thought it would be absolutely impossible-so I scratched the idea!

Then we met to swim every day this week...

• On Monday, I made a goal to do 2 laps (100 yards) at one time. I did so once or twice and I ended up swimming 600 yards. I still didn't really enjoy it, but decided if I was going to try to make this an occasional hobby I should get some good goggles and a suit. So I made a little trip to Dick's.
• Then on Tuesday, I arrived ready to go with my new swim attire. And I decided that swimming was in some ways like running. It's mind over matter. I've always been able to push myself past what I think I can do in running, so why not swimming too. So I decided that I was just going to tell myself, "Yes, you might feel like you can't breathe, but you can, and you are not going to drown. Keep going." And something totally changed. All of a sudden I could breathe, and I could keep going. So my goal for the day was to swim 4 laps (200 yards) without stopping. I did it quite a few times! And I ended up swimming a total of 900 yards. (That's 1/2 a mile!)
• Then on Wednesday, I had newfound confidence! I did 6 laps (300 yards) without stopping! And then 8 laps (400 yards) without stopping! Altogether I swam 1200 yards! And I left feeling great!
• And today, I swam 12 laps (600) without stopping TWICE! Seriously, it was pure insanity in my mind. Remember, I had never swam more than 500 EVER in my life-and I only did that once when I was 19! Today's total: 1350 yards (That's 3/4 of a mile!)

I'm serious...I absolutely had no idea I could do it! And now, I totally know I can. So on the list or not, I'm totally planning to swim a mile (without stopping) before I turn 30. (Maybe even before I turn 29!)

Sometimes we totally underestimate ourselves and let our lack of confidence hold us back from what we can achieve.

No, swimming isn't a huge life goal of mine. And in 5 years this blog post will likely be the only memory of this "event" in my life. But I had to put it into words, because I don't want to forget. I'm glad I've found a new hobby to love, but what I'm more excited about is the lesson I've learned.

A week ago, I thought there was no way I could ever swim a mile! And today, I know a can! One week has changed my perspective THAT MUCH! I kept myself from becoming a swimmer all of my life because (until 2 days ago) I didn't believe I could. I was the only one holding myself back.

And now I have to ask, "What else am I holding myself back from?" What has God given me a vision for, that I have simply dismissed as an unattainable far fetched dream? I am the only one holding myself back.

So, I have to ask, what is it you are holding yourself back from?

"What would you attempt to do, if you knew you could not fail?"

~Author Unknown

Don't Ever Let Anyone Steal Your Joy

Get Ready...It's a long one! Originally entitled "Is that so hard to understand?", this entry found a new direction since I first started writing it.

(Excerpt from Natasha Bedingfield's "Single")

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me

(Cos I'm happy where I am)

Don't depend on a guy to validate me

(No no)

I don't need to be anyone's baby

(Is that so hard to understand?)

No I don't need another half to make me whole

Okay, so I love this song. It's pretty much always been my mantra. Truthfully, I'm never very up on pop-culture, so I had actually never heard this song until my friend, Lindsay, mentioned that this song was the ringtone that played when I called her. (Thanks, Lindsay...I'm always happy to be your "only single friend"!)

So of course I had to listen to this song that apparently reminded her of me, and well...I loved it. In fact every time someone asks me "So, are you dating anyone?", I want to break into a rousing rendition of "Single". (Lucky for all of you, I refrain. 'Cause let's face it, I ain't no Natasha Bedingfield.)

In all seriousness, it really annoys me that other people have a hard time understanding that I could be single and happy. In fact, it bothers me so much that I posted the following diatribe on facebook after an encounter that was the last straw for me! ‎"But God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness." 1 Cor 7:7.  Is there a reason that some of my friends and family don't get this? I swear if you one more person tells me that you are "worried about me", suggests that I "need to join a running club", recommends that I "should take a welding class", admonishes me for being "too picky", explains that I "don't hang out in the right places", says that I "need to have an open mind", or tries the whole I "know a great guy who's also religious", I am going to scream. I am content to be single until God purposes something different for my life, so could you also be content in this and stop trying to "fix me".  (I mean really...Is that so hard to understand?)

Anyway, there is a point to this post other than the ability of a pop star to capture my thoughts in a song and the fact that I engage in the occasional ranting via Facebook instead of realizing that people are just trying to help. So let's get back to my point...If I can figure out what that is!

I started this post a few months ago, and then I sort of let myself forget about it, because I was kind of rambling and not really making a point. (Shocker!) But last night I was at a devo group and a girl said "My grandma used to always say..."Don't ever let anyone steal your joy."" And I realized that that was exactly what I had wanted to say in this entry...

I know you're thinking that's not what I was saying at all...And I have to agree...but I just wasn't there yet! So if you'll be patient with me, I'll try to explain.

When I moved to Florida I had so much to be joyful about: the completion of graduate school, a free house to live in, beautiful beaches, a job at one of the largest deaf schools in the nation, an opportunity to buy my own house, and above all a fresh start.

But it was a tough transition for me. I didn't know a single person in Florida! I lived in a neighborhood where I clearly did not fit in. I was working at a great school, but in a position that wasn't fulfilling. I was having trouble finding a church. All of my friends and family were far away. I felt alone. Then I looked at my sister, who was having a baby, and while I was extremely excited for her part of me was sad for me. It may sound selfish, but I'm just being honest here. We're TWINS. We are supposed to do everything together. And I knew that our kids wouldn't be able to grow up together. It's not like this was a shock. She had been married for almost 5 years for crying out loud! And it's not like I wanted to get married and immediately have kids. But the truth is that I want to be a mom more than anything in this world. And it suddenly hurt to know that my grandma was around to see my sister have kids, and I may not have that same opportunity. And "everyone" (yes, this is an exaggeration, but it is how I felt and also close to accurate given my Southern roots..) kept asking me if I was going to settle down and get married and have kids now that I was done with school. 

What I realized last night is that the reason I now get so annoyed with others remarks is not because they expected certain things of me or because of their lack of understanding. It's because I know I let them steal my joy.

I started to believe the messages I was hearing. That I am a lesser person because I am single. (I'm not.)  That I needed to have a husband or children to complete me. (I don't.)  That I need to change who I am. (I can't) Or that I need to change what I'm looking for. (I won't.)

Probably the strangest thing, is that I've ALWAYS been the girl singing that song ("I'm single...that's how I wanna be"). But suddenly I became someone else, that I didn't even know. I let my circumstances and loneliness, make me change my perspective. I thought I needed things to make me happy-a classroom position, a house...a man.  And so for a year I tried to find my happiness in those things...and (surprise, surprise) it didn't work.


I'm not trying to blame others-because I know that most of them were trying to be supportive in their own way. But sometimes, people (especially the church!) don't realize just how deeply their words can hurt you. Friends and family mean well, but sometimes the very things they say to encourage you leave scars on your heart that you don't even notice are there.

And then one day you wake up and you realize that your joy is gone. You realize that you've let the world tell you what you needed to be happy. You realize that you've let them change your perception. You realize that you've let them change what you're looking for.  You realize that you've let them change YOU.

Well, okay. Maybe it wasn't exactly one day in my case. Maybe It was more like a matter of months. But God has reminded me that He has a plan for me, and it's so much greater than I can imagine. It's not about a job, a house, a husband, or kids. Those things will not complete me. Only God can.

Christine Caine challenged a room full of single women during Shine at Celebration Church to trust that God has the best for us and to trust Him enough to wait longer than we want to. She encouraged us to make a covenant with God that we will not compromise.

I did, And I hope that you will, too.  Regardless of your circumstances.  Regardless of what you are believing for your life.  Whether you're single, dating, married, divorced, or widowed, starting now make a promise that you will not compromise or settle in any area of your life.  


God can do exceedingly, abundantly above all we could ever ask or hope.  But we have to trust him, and we have to believe than we are worth it.  You are worth it.  

"Don't ever let anyone steal your joy."

Better Than a Hallelujah

Sometimes I think I trick myself into thinking that I have to have it all together. That I have to praise God for the blessings in my life, because I know they outweigh the pains. I make myself think that joy means being happy and thankful in every circumstance. But we can trust and understand God's plan while still hurting. Our tears don't make us less holy; they make us real.

It's true that God wants our worship, but sometimes that includes our tears. We can't hide them from God, He already knows our heart. God just wants our HONESTY. THAT is worship. No games. No masks. No walls. No forced smiles. Just honest cries..."They're better than a hallelujah sometimes."

And now, the song I heard today on the radio that reminded me of this truth. (You didn't expect me to have a point without a song, did you?)

30 Before 30

First an explanation:

Recently, I was catching up with some old friends and we started talking about "Bucket Lists". I told them about my goal to run a marathon before I turn 30, and a friend told us about her list of "101 Things in 1,001 Days". I hadn't heard of this project before, but I was immediately intrigued with the idea! Her enthusiasm was so contagious that I was inspired to create my own. Of course, I always have to do things my own way, and this is no exception. So Instead of making a list for the next 2.75 years, I decided to stick with the "before I turn 30" theme which will give me 1.5 years. After quite a bit of brainstorming, I have made a list of 30 Things to do Before I Turn 30 (aka-30 Before 30).

And now the list:

1-Run a marathon.

(A FULL!--As in...26.2 miles)

2-Eat a hot dog at Coney Island.

3-Overcome a fear.

4-Take a class in something new. (painting, sewing, surfing)

5-Ride in a hot air balloon.

6-Go kayaking.

7-Go ice skating at Rockefeller Plaza.

8-Visit at least one of the states I have not yet been to.

(Since there are 34 of them, it shouldn't be too hard!)

9-Camp in a tent on the beach.

10-Do something nice for a stranger.

11-Try a new type of dance.

12-Visit Savannah for St Patrick's Day.

13-Do something spontaneous.

14-Taste wine at a vineyard.

15-Go to a mystery dinner theater.

16-Submit a postcard to Post Secret.

17-Test drive a convertible.

18-Complete the Push Up Challenge.

19-Mail someone a package-just because.

20-Volunteer at a charity run.

21-Write a letter to myself to open on my wedding day.

22-Write down something I am thankful for everyday.

(And make them all different-eek!)

23-Dance in the rain.

24-Tryout/audition for something. Or enter some kind of contest.

25-Compete in a race with a partner or team

(Like one of these: Muddy Buddy, Ragnar Relay, Expedition Everest Challenge)

26-Eat in a restaurant or go to a movie alone.

(And no texting while I'm there!)

27-Read all the books (I have not yet read) on my shelves.

(And don't buy any new ones until I do!)

28-Make a list of 30 things I like about myself.

29-Send letters to 30 people who have impacted my life in some way.

30-Watch a sunrise over the Atlantic and a sunset over the Gulf in the same day.

For each of the things I don't accomplish, I plan to donate $10 to the Special Olympics.

So here we go...I have until January 21, 2012. If you want to join me on any of these adventures, let me know! Some of them can't be done alone! :)

I know He will, because He already has.

For the past (almost) 10 years, I have been working towards one central goal for my life. The details of that goal have changed a bit, but the ultimate dream has stayed the same. I wanted to teach deaf kids. By the time I determined that this was the vision I had for my life, I was already at Liberty University (because God knows better than I do). And because of a plethora of reasons, I determined that it was best to stay at LU and major in Special Education, with my ultimate goal being to obtain my masters in Deaf Education (and be teaching deaf kids in the fall of 2005, ha!).

As an undergraduate student I thought I wanted to work with preschoolers, though at the time I would have settled for younger elementary students. However, I had no desire to work with middle schoolers. In fact, when I got my first internship placement in a middle school-I cried. (Not that this is surprising if you knew me at the time, because I cried at most things during that overwhelming period of my life!) Turns out, I loved my placement at the middle school, and hated my subsequent placement at an (obnoxiously affluent) elementary school. (Yes, God, you know better than I do!)

By the time I graduated, I was so broke that moving to Pennsylvania for graduate school was not an option. So because God's plan was yet again better than my own, I found myself teaching in Virginia for 3 years. It wasn't the job I wanted. But it was a job and it paid the bills and helped me pay off my debt. After teaching 3rd-5th graders and then high school students and coaching some awesome cheerleaders, I finally returned to school to pursue my goal of becoming a deaf educator.

I headed to Tennessee where I got a job working with elementary school students at the school for the deaf (because He is the God who provides). I spent spent two years there pursuing my masters in Deaf Education. When it came time to complete an internship, I knew that I wanted to teach middle schoolers upon graduation, but because I wanted to be as prepared as possible to accept any job offers, I requested primary grades. (My internship was fun, but my mentor teacher kept telling me, "You are a great teacher, but you have to slow down with them." Haha.)

And finally I graduated! I was totally psyched to finally achieve my goal, but God again had another plan. Though I received offers for (7) teaching jobs (which is crazy considering the job market in deaf education right now, but He is bigger than the job market) in Florida, Virgina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Delaware, and Arizona, I took the 8th job offer. This job was in Florida, far from my family and friends, in fact, I didn't know a soul in Florida. This job wasn't even in the classroom. But because of an amazing opportunity to live in a house rent-free for a year, I knew I could continue to trust and wait on God for His perfect timing (I mean I was already 3 years behind my goal at this point...what's another year or two!?) .

And now, I am finally living my dream. In July of 2009, after paying off my grad school loans and buying a house, God finally blessed me with the phone call I had been waiting for all summer. I am now teaching deaf middle schoolers in Florida. His timing and details were different than my own, but He orchestrated it all and I am finally here. The vision that I have had for myself since my freshman year of college, a decade ago, is now a reality.

But this past week, I attended a women's conference at my church (insert shameless plug for SHINE!!!). And I realized something...I have lost vision. For years, I have made my prayer "Lord, I don't want to live a destination life." See often in my pursuit of my vision, I found it difficult to enjoy the journey, because I was so consumed by the destination. And so I often found myself praying that God would help me to not live what I called "a destination life." But today I found myself praying a very different prayer.

The thing is that for years I've been working towards this goal in my life. I've known what I wanted (and what God wanted) for my future. But now that my dream has been realized, I have lost my vision. I've gotten caught up in teaching, tutoring, interpreting, taking classes, and all of the things that consume my present. I mean sure, I talk about the future and what I want in life, but it mostly consists of statements like... "I want to be a mom", "I'd like to get married some day", "I'm considering getting my PhD, but not any time soon!", "I'll probably move closer to "home" one day, but not for at least 4 years!", "I want to be involved in ministry, but I don't know when or how". So yes, I do have thoughts and considerations for the future. But I don't really have a clear vision for my life. I don't know where I'm headed, or where I want to be headed.

I'm not saying that I'm not content to stay in Florida or in deaf education. Or that I need to write down a detailed to-do-list for the next 20 years of my life; I of all people know that God has a plan that's better than my own. I am saying that I want a vision. I want to be content in my present and enjoy what God has accomplished through me, but know that I have not yet arrived at my final destination. My journey is not over, just because I have passed one big milestone. I'm still just training for the marathon. And so I must have hope for my future. I want a reason to have to step out and trust God. I want to work towards something that is bigger and better than me, and that challenges me to step out in faith.

I don't know yet what that is. But I do know that I am going to start praying for God to reveal that to me.  I am going to have faith that if I follow him and the vision he gives me for my life, He will bless me with more than I can imagine. I know He will, because He already has.

Blissful Exhaustion & Guilty Pleasures on a Sunday Night

Ever have one of those days when you are just exhausted? Not the kind of exhaustion where you are sleep deprived, mentally tired, or overwhelmed. No. The kind where you have had an amazingly fun and/or productive day and you are so physically tired you can't do anything but lounge on the couch. Like when you've been at an amusement park all day. Or when you have walked all over Rome in the heat of July. Or when you have gone on a really long run and then spent the day running errands all over town. Blissful Exhaustion.

Yes that's me today. Got up early and finished reading a great book (more on that later). Attended the 9:30 service of Celebration Church Online. Interpreted the message at 11:30 service at Celebration. (Awesome worship! Amazing sermon! Great visitors! Oh and have I mentioned how much I have grown to love interpreting!?) Shine all-call practice for the conference opener. (Super fun! But...wow, am I out of shape! I so need to start dancing on a regular basis!) Grocery shopping at Walmart. (That place is crazy!) Hanging cellular shades. (All by myself!) Cleaning my house. (But I'm definitely not finished!) Desperate Housewives and Hershey's Bliss (Creme de Menthe, of course) are the only appropriate ending for this kind of day. :) Guilty pleasures on a Sunday night.

Tiger Cubs

St. Augustine Wild Reserve brought tiger cubs to our school last week. Minus this (narrowly escaped) disaster involving a "service dog" and a tiger, it was a really cool experience. It is so sad to me that these beautiful animals (and so many others) are endangered. I hate that our world has "paved paradise to put up a parking lot". While I wish that we could see these animals in their natural habitat, I am not naive enough to think that they will survive in the wild much longer (even if we start making dramatic changes now). It's too late; humans have already destroyed too much of God's creation. So now we must preserve endangered species in zoos and wild reserves. I know that captivity is not ideal, but if it weren't for these protected environments most endangered species would extinct. And so I'm thankful for places like the St. Augustine Wild Reserve. And I definitely foresee a visit in my near future.

(Please excuse my voice on this video...I was talking to the white tiger and then one of the workers from the reserve...Clearly, I was unaware that my friend was filming!)

The white one was so cute, he kept putting his paw on my hand and then pushing his nose up under my hand to get me to pet his head. He was born on the grounds at the St Augustine Wild Reserve. They do not intentionally breed animals, but when they rescued the tigers parents they had to keep them in a common enclosure until they built separate ones. They were quite surprised when this little tiger and his sister appeared one morning, because they thought the mom was not able to have babies! His sister died from a birth defect when she was only 5 weeks old. She was born with a hole in her heart.

The orange one was absolutely adorable. He kept coming back over to me and rubbing against the enclosure. I think he likely that we both have "orange" hair. :) He was given to the Wild Reserve by a zoo that could not care for him.

I just loved their visit. I had never been so close to baby tigers before (though I once had by picture taken with a Liger-and I promise I didn't make that up, they do exist). I know that these animals can attack and be very dangerous, but the cubs were just so sweet. I totally understand how ignorant people would want to adopt one. Luckily, there are organizations like St. Augustine Wild Reserve that are willing to take care of these animals when the aforementioned ignorant people realize that baby tigers become adult tigers.

Today, We Are ALL Hokies

We Are Virginia Tech

by Nikki Giovanni

We are Virginia Tech.

We are sad today, and we will be sad for quite a while. We are not moving on, we are embracing our mourning.

We are Virginia Tech.

We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly, we are brave enough to bend to cry, and we are sad enough to know that we must laugh again.

We are Virginia Tech.

We do not understand this tragedy. We know we did nothing to deserve it, but neither does a child in Africa dying of AIDS, neither do the invisible children walking the night away to avoid being captured by the rogue army, neither does the baby elephant watching his community being devestated for ivory, neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water, neither does the Appalachian infant killed in the middle of the night in his crib in the home his father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized. No one deserves a tragedy.

We are Virginia Tech.

The Hokie Nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hands to those who offer their hearts and minds. We are strong, and brave, and innocent, and unafraid. We are better than we think we are and not quite what we want to be. We are alive to the imaginations and the possibilities. We will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears and through all our sadness.

We are the Hokies.

We will prevail.
We will prevail.
We will prevail.

We are Virginia Tech.

Because April is Poetry Month

"Ode to the Egret"

A grey gas-guzzler

travels on a country road.

A brawny brown bird

wanders into unknown danger.

flip flip

flap flap

fwooooooshh

FUMP

… ...

How unfortunate

for the poor egret.

A Glimpse Into My Classroom

I always find myself way too busy with school work for both my grad classes and the classes I teach! And somehow blogging seems to make it's way to the bottom of my list (along with hanging pictures, putting together bookshelves, and hanging shades!).

I have nothing interesting to blog about at the moment, so I thought I'd post a link to my new teacher website! Since teaching consumes roughly 70% of my life, you can see what I'm up to the majority of the time! :)

http://teachers.fsdb.k12.fl.us/~kilpatrickj/

Ten-Ten--Ten

I've been saying for quite a while that I was going to do a full marathon before my 30th birthday. No good reason, just as a personal challenge...something "fun" to do. In January, I realized I better get on this goal, cause I only have 2 years. So since the Princess Half it's been on my mind, but I can't decide when or where. I do know that I want it to be in a flat and fun place. Recently, a few runner friends of mine have suggested Chicago. And the Chicago Marathon is on 10/10/10 this year. That seems like a pretty good reason to do it...

(But my 10 year high school reunion might be that weekend...

so that might be a pretty good reason not to do it.)

What do you think? :) 10-10-10 Is that a sign?

A New Favorite

I mean seriously...it's like Ingrid Michaelson/Regina Spektor meets Meredith Andrews/Bethany Dillon....you have to watch if you haven't seen these girls. Tal and Acacia are sisters that are seriously anointed...love their sound! Enjoy! :)

I Should Have Paid Attention in Bible College

If you were to assume that I (as a graduate of a Christian University) have a pretty good understanding of theology....well, you might be wrong. When I was at Liberty I was way too busy working at the Y, curriculum library, and Club Body Co....being a prayer leader, SLD, and RA...taking way too many classes...doing a million practicums....and well, you get the idea. I was trying to make enough money to stay in school and graduate in 3 years. It was a bit insane.

And now I find myself saying (all too often), "I should have paid attention in bible college." I really took for granted the opportunities I had while I was there. Of course, I did the minimum to get by and actually managed a 3.5 GPA...but my religion classes were usually the least of my worries and often my worst grades. I had classes in New Testament and Old Testament. In NT I'm pretty sure I spent the semester flirting with a guy in my class (what?....I was a freshman, I didn't even think I'd stay at LU!)...and I don't even remember OT! Then I had 2 theology courses: the first I took in a video format (and got a C), the second I took in a one week intensive. (Clearly I learned a lot!) I even had a class in Apologetics...sadly it was pass/fail which translated to "I only have to go on test days".

Anyway...this week I once again found myself wishing I had actually paid attention in these classes. A friend of mine was looking at private schools and read the Apostle's Creed (above) aloud to me. And it really stunned me. This might sound crazy but I had never heard anyone say that Christ went to Hell for 3 days. My first thought was "People believe this!?" Then my second thought was "Wait, is that true?" And then my head became a flurry of thoughts and for some reason I suddenly doubted what I had ever believed. So after a few days of thinking I knew that this was something that I personally do not believe, but I wanted to learn where the belief came from. And so I found myself reading up on the Apostle's Creed tonight. Yes, this is what I was doing on a Friday night.

I really should have paid attention in bible college.

Another Reason I love St Patrick's Day...

...Noticing a trend?

(Sadly McDonald's was out this evening.)

Just One of the Many Reasons I Love St Patrick's Day...

3 Years Later

Anyone who has known me and spent any amount of time in my presence over the last 3 years has at some point most likely heard me mutter the phrase "Stupid French Canadian" (or something like it).

Tonight, as I was sitting at dinner (at Jason's Deli with some wonderful friends in case you were wondering) I was complaining of a headache and bumming medicine off a friend when I realized that today is February 12th. I seriously can't believe it is 3 years later!

See in 2007, on this very date I was chatting on the phone with my (adorable) grandma while driving to the University of Tennessee to take a test when some (crazy) delivery truck driver from Quebec plowed into my SUV. (He turned left from the right hand lane-maybe that's okay where he's from?! Anyway...) The amazing (guardian angel...) thing is that I sort of saw it coming! So after "calmly" ending my phone call, slamming on my breaks, and blowing my horn...I was sort of astonished that the impact was still so severe. But as he continued to push my SUV down to the next light on the road he had turned onto and other cars started honking, I realized this crazy man wasn't even aware he had hit me! When the police arrived, he claimed to not understand English enough to answer any questions about what he was delivering, but clearly knew enough to repeatedly state "She make mistake". (Yeh, what was I thinking attempting to drive straight through an intersection in a middle lane!?)

The months that followed led to lots of stress and tears, an awful neck injury, lots of arguments with Canadian insurance people, 6 weeks of a rental car, and $12,000 of damage to my car. And even three years later, there are constant reminders of the event. The man never got a ticket and for all I know is still delivering things in the US. (And because everyone always asks: I was never able to sue him or his "company" because they are Canadian, and I'm not sure I would anyway...because it's just not "me"). I have my car back...but the bumper is starting to hang off, the paint is peeling off, and alignments will always be a temporary fix. And the biggest reminder: my neck. It will never be the same. Even after taking a year and a half off of running, jogging is still hard. The headaches and backpain do dull at times, but never fully subside. And my posture will forever be completely altered.

But I know how lucky I am. Many people end up in the hospital and leave with casts or stitches in surgery sites. Some spend years recovering. And there are others who never leave the intersection. So I know that I was spared that day. I know I am blessed to have the reminders.

And it seems silly to complain about what are really just inconveniences, when I have so much to be thankful for. So instead I am thanking God for His provision. And thanking Him that I am here to write a silly blog 3 years later.

I Became a Teacher for the Three Month Summer Vacation

In the fall of 2003, while student teaching I suddenly realized that I was running out of money. I loved my jobs at the curriculum library and teaching dance, but lets face it I wasn't exactly bringing in the big bucks! In fact, I was exhausted and barely making ends meet. I determined that my plans for graduate school would have to be put on hold, and started to look for a job (get this...) using my degree that I was about to obtain! My plan was never to teach special education students, but I like all kids and I figured I could do it for 6 months and save up some money. (Turns out I liked it...haha)

In my search for a teaching job on the Department of Ed website I came across a summer job at the Governor's School for Visual and Performing Arts and Humanities. One thing led to another and before I knew it I had a summer job (before I even found a job for January!) I needed the money and figured the extra cash would help me in my efforts to get on with my plans. (graduate school, remember?) But little did I know this simple summer job would continue for 5 Julys and change my life.

Last year at this time, I was trying to determine if I would return for a 6th summer. My sister was due to have a baby and I was in the midst of building a house; consequently, I determined that was enough for one summer and made the decision to take a summer off. (what a novel idea for a teacher...) It turned out to be a great decision with what became a very hectic summer that I'm not exactly sure counts as a "summer off".

(In 2 months I drove to MD, spent fathers day with my dad and took the cats to "summer camp" at my moms, drove to FL, packed up my house, took a quick unexpected flight to VA, saw my adorable premature niece for 3 days, flew to FL, took teacher exams, went to Disney, drove to SC, had a girls vacation with college friends, drove to VA, spent 3 weeks with my adorable niece, drove to DC, picked up my old furniture and cats, drove to FL, put the furniture in storage and dropped the cats at a friends, closed on a house, babysat my friends kids for a weekend, moved my stuff and cats into my house, drove to TN, visited grad school friends, was in my dad's wedding, drove to FL, and suddenly the summer ended and school started....wow, that was tiring just typing....and I'm pretty sure I left out a few things!)

A summer away made realize just how much of a constant governor's school had become in my life. I said last summer that it wasn't goodbye for good, but I didn't know that would translate into my last post. After the recent developments with govschool, I started looking at other summer possibilities (because apparently I don't relax well...)

And I found the National Writer's Project! It is an amazing summer program for teachers where you learn to be a better writer and a better writing teacher! One of my dearest friends attended years ago and highly recommended it. I found an institute at UVA and got really excited! The program runs July 5-30 from 9am-3pm every day. How perfect! I could spend a month of evenings with my niece while becoming a better teacher and writer! You even get 6 hours of graduate credit. (Not that I need credits...I already have 66, and it's not like they'll count for a PhD if I go back...) And the website advertises grants! Perfect consolation for my mourning of govschool, right!?

But then I found out that as a teacher from outside of Virginia, I am not eligible for the grant money and it will be $2,000! I realize that God could have other plans for my summer, but I can't help but be sad. First no govschool, now no NWP. :(

So now I'm wondering if I can find some grant money or save up some tutoring money before the summer or if God has something even better in store. (a mission trip to Greece, perhaps?) :)

But seriously check out just some of what the Writer's Project advertises: (And let me know if you know of any amazing grant opportunities out there!)

http://cvwp.org/summerinstitute2010.htm

http://cvwp.org/CVWP_2010SummerBrochure.pdf

Come to…

• discover and enrich yourself as a writer

• share with and learn from other teachers

• deepen your understanding of writing instruction in your content area

The heart of the Institute is the opportunity to engage in personal and professional writing and to experience and reflect on successful classroom practices in the teaching of writing and using writing as a mode of learning. In a collaborative, supportive setting, we will hone our craft as writers, share our teaching practices, examine current research in the field, and learn from guest speakers. In doing so, we will look closely at effective teaching processes in a wide range of areas, such as:

• Developing the writer’s voice

• Helping students to focus on one main point

• Strengthening students’ writing in various curriculum areas

• Practicing revision and editing

• Using technology to enhance writing

• Most importantly, taking an in-depth look at successful ways by which to engage students as writers

I Won't Say Goodbye

As I sit here to type I find myself at a loss for words. (If you have missed the recent happenings, you should check out Sheryl Johnson's recent notes.)

The Governor's School for the Visual and Performing Arts and Humanities as we know it has come to an end. And I regretfully acknowledge that it cannot and will not ever be replicated. And yet I remind you that GOVERNOR"S SCHOOL is not a name, it is not a school, and it is not a month. Governor's school is a community. That community is us: the faculty, the RAs, the support staff, and the students. WE are governor's school. Without us, governor's school ceases to exist.

Though Radford will have a program this July, the faculty, staff, and students will be not be attending governor's school (though they will refer to their program by this name). They will make new friends, go to class, attend activities, and probably have a good summer (even if we don't want to admit it). But they won't have attended governor's school. (And my guess is they won't have much trouble explaining what they did during that month.)

As I read the facebook statuses bidding farewell to governor's school, I thought back to the speech I gave at the Closing Ceremonies in 2008. In that speech (which I have reposted below) I said, "Governor’s school is not an experience that ends here. It continues in the relationships and changes that have started this month." Though Governor's School as we know it has come to an end, it is my genuine hope that we will let it live on.

No one leaves governor's school untouched by it's magic. It becomes a part of us. In some small or large way it has made us who we are. And as a result, we carry governor's school with us. So I won't say goodbye, instead I say thank you for being a part of something that will stay with me forever. Thank you for being governor's school.

...I Still Don't Know...

As I stand before you today, I am keenly aware that this is something I would never have done before….before Governor’s School. And yet I find myself here wondering not only why I am standing and speaking on a stage, but how I can put Governor’s School, a program that has somehow changed my life, into words…and I don’t know….

See governor’s school has changed me and I didn’t even notice it occurring. I don’t know when or how…I just know it happened. That’s what this month has been about-change. The people, events, and questions that you have been met with this month have or will in some way alter your life. Some of you are already aware of this transformation…but some of you (like me) will realize this change years from now.

Though you came to governor’s school 4 weeks ago with expectations for this program, there is no way you could have predicted what you have found.

As you pulled up RAs in ugly blue shirts ordered you to put the ridiculous amount of stuff you packed on the grass and move your cars immediately to a parking lot that was just “down the road”….if you take a right, a right, and another right. You waited in lines that stretched out the door in the humid summer heat and began to study and perhaps label each of the persons you saw. Little did you know that the guy standing behind you was your roommate. You had no idea that the girl opening the door for you would soon become one of your best friends. And you had only hoped that the guy in the elevator would be the guy you spent last night dancing with.

On the first day as you gathered on your halls, most of which lacked air conditioning, and sat through meetings that went on and on and on, you wondered if you’d made a huge mistake. You questioned why you had handed over your cell phone and turned down those carefree days with your friends by the pool or that annual trip to the beach in exchange for school during the summer. Now, you’re wondering where 4 weeks went.

Inevitably, when you return home you’ll be asked to explain those weeks. “What did you do this summer?” “What is Governor’s School?” You’ll stand there for a moment not knowing exactly how to answer. How do you explain this experience through words? I can honestly tell you that after 5 years of answering those questions, I still find myself struggling to find a way to respond. This month cannot be explained. Governor’s school cannot be expressed; it must be experienced.

When you return home you’ll try to explain what flashmobbing is and why it really was cool when several hundred people stopped in the middle of a park to point at an imaginary object in the sky. Your friends won’t understand when you shout “group” to your fellow classmates while walking down the hall at your home school. You’ll attempt to explain how you became sheet ningas, thundercats, double d’s, A one-ders, or members of the C-squad. You will reminisce about movie nights, your Hard Knock Life in the nunnery, living in the basement, playing endless games of risk, and creating hostage situations with Chinese food, snakes, and praying mantises. You’ll tell stories or pull up one of the thousands of photographs Big D took, but words and pictures can’t express what WE know.

When I came to the Governor’s School 5 summers ago I had certain expectations for the program. I thought I’d find the introverted scholars, the extroverted actors, the quiet musicians, the confident vocalists, the weird artists, and the serious dancers. What I’ve found is a place where those stereotypes and walls have melted away and 450 people have come together on this last day as one, one family, one GROUP.

As a group we’ve shared in tears, arguments, and laughter. We’ve seen each other at our worst and at our best. We’ve divulged our secrets and greatest fears. We’ve made ourselves vulnerable and have learned from one another. The mosaic that is the faculty, staff, and students is why I can speak in front of you today. Because you accept me as I am. It is only now that I realize I am not an introverted dancer, but a member of this GROUP. It is through this realization that I am finally beginning to understand why I love this program so much.

Recently a fellow RA and I were discussing how amazing you-the students of governor’s school- are and she asked me, “Do you ever wish that you were their age so you could be friends with them?” I responded, “NO!...But I wish they were my age”. I responded jokingly, but our conversation speaks to a very important Governor’s School truth. This is a place where unlikely connections and friendships are made. In this program we are all teachers and we are all students.

You don’t know this yet, but I have learned from my former students that you will keep in touch with your new friends-the students, the faculty and the staff of governor’s school beyond your high school years. Many of you will attend college together, be roommates, and have reunions years from now. In fact many of you will continue to be friends for years to come. Governor’s school is not an experience that ends here. It continues in the relationships and changes that have started this month.

A person I respect very much issued a warning from this stage 27 days ago. At our first meeting as a group Lori said, “The summer you have is the summer you choose.” As we are meeting in this space for the last time, I hope you chose wisely.

On behalf of the RAs and support staff I want to say to you: thank you for asking questions, thank you for being you, and thank you for changing our lives. As you go home we wish you luck as you try to figure out how to put Governor’s School into words for your family and friends.

As for me…I still don’t know…

Dear Motivation to Run,

Where have you gone? I beg you to please return soon.

The Princess Half is less than 5 weeks away! Your return is quite necessary and sure to be greatly appreciated!

I can't do it without you! Thank you so much for your assistance in this matter.

~Jen

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

The Largest 10K in the nation!

40,000 runners and walkers!

2 Towns and the 2.5 mile bridge that joins them!

An awesome condo at the beach!

Amazing college and grad school friends!

Memories to last a lifetime!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!